Today has been a good day!! I went to the pool then i went with my boyfriend to gat some car parts. He bought me a TI dvd and i LOVE it!!!I got some photos from the adoption agency, old photos:) I talked to my sister and they want me to come up there for about a week znd i already told my boyfriend he didnt really say anything. I have a drs appointment tomorrow then i can go hit the bus for who knows how long, i got to call the bus station and find out when the bus leaves and arrives. Im so excitied!!

sittin here eatin some bbq. I went to the pool this mornin. My baaby gavw me a kiss this mornin before he left for work its been a long time since hes done that:)Hopefully Ill get something from aubrey 2day.I chated with ann this mornin ,tha lady that has my oldest daughter.I would like to call her but i dont want to confuse her....I hope my boys got thier cards!!

Hit tha pool already iy was nice and hot!Ihavent talked to the cox's in a couple of days. Ive got so much stuff to do today and i dont feel like doing anything. I wrote my three boys last week, ill try to call them this week,thier uncle hung up on me the last time i tried to call.Thats been over a month ago though. I also need to call kelsey i havent talked to her in months either.I wish ann would send me some photos of her. I asked her to before but she never did. I probly need to talk to my soon to be ex husband see if hes been in touch with them. I dont really feel like talking to hiim though. Well i got things to do.......

Today was a lazy day. Ive been playing bejeweled blitz alot, its addictive!!ive found im lonely even around other people. Ive been isolating, like i want to be sad. Thats crazy huh? I dont even go to the pool anymore. Got my phone back on,no one to call.crazy.we bbqed today.I miss wichita falls, iniss my dad, i miss my kids. I need a life its driving me crazy sittin here every day doing nothing.But hopefully HOPEFULLY Ill be going to school.

well i spent all day on the computer it was very relaxing,i played bejewelwd blitz,i love tha game. No thoughts of recent past problems just tuned into the game:)i dont have too many days like today!

Finally friday i hope my boyfriend doesnt have to work this weekend!Hes geetin my phone turned back on :) im bout to go crazy without it!!Im feeling a lil better than usual. Lately seems ive been lonely and ioslating myself. i need to get out and do more. I hope my baby pays my old loan so i can go back to school. I already have 400 hours itll take me 6 months to finish adn DARS will pay for it all. thats what is good.

today i feel sad but ill go to the pool it makes me feel a lil better guest layin there listening to the music and relaxing helps. My phone got turned off so i can call anyone Ill have it back on soon but i hate having it off!! Oh well i is what it is.Baby and i are alright he bbqed last night it was nice.Im ready to do some more work on my tat its healed up its been about 2 weeks.icant wait til the 1st i see my dr.miss you dad!!!

It is wed afternoon as usual there is nothing to do.Iwent to the pool thats about ll i do .I have too much time to think for real! Some days ae harder. Hopefully Il be in school in a couple of weeks. I owe793 dollars i have to pay before i can start but itll all be paid for by DARS which adds up to about15,000 dollars so its worth it!!I just wish ny boyfriend wuold hurry up and do something its real nice of him to take care of it but ive hade people tell me theyd do somrthing and never do it.anyways i wrote another poem but they will get better in time its hard for me to find the worda to express ow i reallyfeel right now.

first fathers day
without you here
but in my heart
yoyufeel so near
i think of past hoildays
when you werent around
seems ecen more depressing
ive found
all that time it seemed
like we hade forever
shows what i know
i wasnt so cleaver
but youre here with me
in spirit and heart
whats another day
that were apart
cause one day
maybe soon or a lifetime away
Ill spend with you
another fathers day

Im back from the pool. I have been thinking alot about my kids lately. All five of them. Matteas birthday was last week james's birthday is july 4th .I havent got to talk to my kids in what seems like forever.Thier uncle and i got into it and Ihavent calles since then. I really need to.And i never talk to Ann i have her number guess i should call I aint called since Christmas I need to do that too!!I think Ill do that today.

Monday morningnithing to do todaybesides go to the pool. I saw aubreys blog such sweet photos of our lil girl!!!I take photos of the computer and send them to my email.Im waiting to see what aubrey has for me!!!yesterday was hard but i made it through it,huh?wel more later!

Today has been so hard!!! all i can think about is how many fathers days and birthdays and any holiday for that matter that i missed because of the things i did. How i would love to have just one of those days with my dad. I miss him very much, more than i let on.I know hes betteroff out of all the pain he was always in. But knowing that doesnt help me feel any better.I never thought id lose him this soon. I am only 31 he was only65 boy it makes you think huh?!?!But on the bright side i have reestablished contact with my mother and sisers and brother Whom i havent seen since i was 16. And i also have the cox's. They are a blessing indeed!!I wonder what all my kids did today who they were saying happy fathers day to. Thats something else that bothers me on a dailt basis!

Well i already went to the pool might go again.Feelin a lil sad tommorows fathers day and i just lost my father last month:( I used to write poetry when i was down but i cant seem to come up with anyhing but heres a try

As i think of my life
when you were in it
it seemed like
we werent a fit
But now i see
mom sister family
except you
no one was close to me
no one is perfect we hade uor problems
but you did all you could
to solve them
the lst of your kids
your babygirl
at one point i thought
i was your whole world
as time changes us
it also changed me
i just wish you could see
the person i came to be
you woulve been so proud
of who ive become
all the things
ive overcome
its thanks to you
how ive grown
all my time away
all i wanted was to come home

I wrote this and another one today Tomorrow will be hard.Last week was hard because my babygirl who i gave up for adoption turned 4. I miss her and him so much!!I feel so alone.

Got to talk to the lady that adopted my child. Its so nice to hear from them. I am still having a ruff time with loseing my dad last month. Ian hoping to start school soon.More in just a minute!!1